Thursday, March 17, 2016

It's all smoke and mirrors

I'm not just saying this as a conversation starter, but I really can't believe that we are half way through March already.  I think as you get older, each year becomes a well worn road, the short-cuts across the grass become muddy and flat, and the familiar landmarks remind you how far you still need to walk ahead to reach your destination.

Do you remember being a kid and going somewhere new for the first time?  It would take F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get there... and near the end of the journey you didn't quite believe your parents when they exclaimed for the umpteenth time that 'we' were "nearly there"!

The familiar landmarks are the seasons, the birthdays, the milestones and quite often the anniversaries of those once loved but never forgotten. The destination is the end of the year and the beginning of a new one.  I seem to have blinked and lost three months! 

I don't usually divulge anything personal on my blog.  I've always considered it a place for pretty pictures and inspiration for others who like to sew and create.  But lately I've been thinking that it is all too easy to get caught up with flawless images on social media; the homes that are glistening, the stitching that is perfect, the kids who are always smiling.  Everything is in the moment.  But it's all too easy to forget what's not in the picture.  The piles of laundry that have been shoved out of the way of that perfect home decor photo-shoot; the ten or twenty years of practice that it has taken for someone to perfect their craft; the kid that is now crying because their favourite song or show has just come to an end... life is life!

Truth is, behind the smoke and mirrors we all have issues, stumbling blocks and low points.  Truth is we also have breakthroughs, victories and high points.  Thank goodness for that, hey?!

So I thought it was about time that I mustered some courage and shared with you a little about what is going on in my world at the moment.

My house is a big hot mess.  There won't be any attractive home-decor photo sessions going on in this neck of the woods, I can assure you!  It's a mess because I'm in too much pain to do anything about it.  I've suffered with chronic back pain for close to ten years, I'd say the past six have been the worst.  I've been on a cocktail of anti-depressants and pain-killers for the past three years and over the past six months, have been weaning off them.  Each time I drop the medication I am hit with weeks-on-end of depression.  The excruciating pain makes matters much worse.  The feelings of failure for not being able to look after my family... that's a rotten one.  My hubby comes home from work and cooks the dinner because I can't even stand at the hob.  He has been amazing.  I'm waiting for a procedure now, it will be a few weeks away yet and I can't even find out the date because the hospital just rings you when a slot comes up.  Not knowing is the worst because like an athlete preparing for a race, I need to mentally prepare myself for how much longer I need to endure the pain.

My sweet daughter has been off school for close to three weeks with medical issues.  I worry about her having missed so much school over the years, and it's been touch helping her at home while battling with the depression.  I have to keep reminding myself that I can only do my best, but the conscientious driver in me keeps tooting the horn and telling me that my best isn't good enough.  Dang that back seat driver!

It has been cathartic writing this.  So there you go.  I am always sincere on my blog, I'm generally happy and always smiling, I will talk to anyone and make friends easily.  But I'm just like everyone else, with problems and issues that intercept the general noise of life.  I'm not sure that you're going to glean anything from this outpour of mine, but I hope that if nothing else, if you're feeling at a low point in your life - you know you're not alone. xxx

Till next time,
Vikki xoxoxo


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